That is such a good question! The honest answer would be, I don’t really know.
End of post. Thanks for reading!
Okay so I’ve never been good at jokes. Let’s move on.
I do remember spending 2 or 3 years of my 20’s doing the usual stuff that 20 year old’s do. Going out way too much, staying out way too late and creating memories that I can look back on and laugh (or cry) about. I vividly remember getting engaged, which was one of the best moments of my life. I remember planning – and then cancelling – my entire wedding. More on that in another post. I got to experience childbirth (which, let me tell you is probably enough of a memory to cover my entire 20’s) for the first time by bringing my oldest daughter into the world at the age of 25 and then…well that’s about it.
From 25 to 30 I’m not sure what I did, not a lot. If I didn’t do a whole lot from 20 to 25 then I did even less in the second half of my twenties.
You know how some amazing individuals come straight out of high school, they know what they want and even if they don’t know what they want, they still have this drive and determination to just be brilliant at whatever they happen to be doing! They commit, they just do what needs to be done. No matter what this endeavour might be, whether it is further education, a business venture or even their job. They don’t question it, They don’t go on and on and on about what they want.
I was not one of those lucky individuals.
– Remember in my previous post I said I wasn’t one of those lucky people where everything goes to plan? Well, you know my luckiness (yes, that is a word) is really adding up now! –
Instead I was a drifter, the thinker (also known as the procrastinator) and the biggest people pleaser. Allow my to give you an example using my education. I went from an Architecture course, to an Interior design course, to a Photography course and then finally settled on a Psychology course of which I finished 4 subjects in 12 months. I eventually stopped trying to make myself smarter.
I also remember somewhere in the years of 28 and 29 having small moments of panic. Actually I would completely freak out and think…
“Shit that’s almost 30 years! 30 years of what?! I wanted to have achieved so much more. I wanted to have stopped being the person I was at 22 with the same crappy self doubts and harsh self judgement. Before I know it, I’ll blink and be dead!”
Sorry, that’s probably slightly dramatic, but it is not easy to calm your thoughts after days of no sleep thinking about how you’ve completely and utterly failed at life. Not dramatic at all.
Let me just say here, thank goodness for Sam. Over the last 11 something years he has heard my ranting over and over again. He never laughs, looks exasperated (though internally it must’ve been a real fight to not show this) or shakes his head. We talk, well I talk, go around and around in circles and then I’m good again for a little bit. Poor guy, he must love me.
As I write this he is calling me painful…all because I asked for a hot carob (instead of a hot chocolate), with a full teaspoon of carob, half a teaspoon of cocoa powder and a quarter teaspoon of honey, made with soy milk. He must REALLY love me.
Back on topic.
So by the time I reached 30, I was so sick of this vicious cycle. I knew what I wanted, I knew the life I wanted to create for myself. Yet it was almost like I refused to accept it. Like the age old saying, the only person that was stopping me, was me. Shift was coming and it came in the most unexpected way.
And there you have it, my 20’s in a page and a half. Actually there is one small moment I completely forgot about. I promise it is only small, but it doesn’t belong here and when you read it, you will understand why.